all personal writing. my own words, thoughts + some film references
these are all drafts and general expressive writing. please do not attempt to read them as fully formed or fully completed
newest/newer at the top
homeno one wants to be near you
anonymous works of literature
show more emotion
your features blend together
i speak incoherently, i'm in denial
crippled body in black and white
the truth will not change my life
body slumped over your desk
you're volatile
i changed myself to get close to you
i want to tear apart what makes me real
i dress in clothes that are too small
roots growing in
haven't showered in days
and my veins are feeling thin
this is all i came to tell you
everything i crave is made to hurt me
living like an open casket funeral
your experiences don't refute mine
there's a public execution coming my way
douse myself in bleach and cheap old spice spray
Mum kissed my cheek
she's got a false image of me
i do things for you that i don't want to do
walk up the pavement twice, scared to turn back
steal a loaf of bread in the supermarket
everyone has a problem with it
i repeat myself, that makes a change
i lack intelligence to care about my problems
i don't like good company
and everyone laughs at my feelings
my teeth grind at night,
constant discomfort
everyone i know doesn't recognise me
there's no part of me i haven't abused
alien to praxis
and purgatory's so cool
everything's graced
and not making sense
am i over sensitive or rightly stressed?
mum is obsessed with what i'm smoking
and how i'm dressed
said i won't see 42 if i stay this way
well that isn't what i want
mentally sick and physically fine
i'm weak, and a sad excuse
i reserve my right to be reviled
you used to be distinct
i hear screams on the other side of town
pages of words you can't read
still leaves an impression
and you say i'm too easily pleased
the drink slips down easily
you wanted to be something
memorable and succinct
nothing can summarise what i really think
focus less on the touches
no thoughts survive my mind
bombing the past won't save the future
my mother's son is sodomised
i invent my way of being
through an absence of meaning
eyes hanging from your socket
seeing clearly
you expect nothing of me
and it's still too much
i'm failing from all directions
my body's tryna kill me
when tonight is gone, i guess i'm wrong
gripping endless scenes
of handsome men in tight cut jeans
replaying the same things
i reached the end of the world
i'm an anaconda
i'm mortified, mutilated
they say i'm overly dependent
i'm a misfit, unrelated
they say it's strange to have this much resentment
i'm a product of neglect
and, i reject what i cannot accept
you see my impurity as immaturity
please open your eyes
and see my fidelity, take it away from me
it's no surprise
am i destined to kill
and really real?
should've taken the bitter pill
am i designed at all
by an evil law?
held down by my rights at will
images fly past, forever betrayed
mam doing her makeup and hating her face
there's never a truer lover
to sanction your fears
images of pornography
cannot reconcile what they cannot feel
you will never be happy with yourself
thats what they tell me
she covers herself in big brand names
Westwood, Facebook marketplace
prancing down the street
in red lipstick shame
powder cracked, get a new one to replace
never want to die
never wanna leave
never wanna say what it does to me
so loved, so never let it go
do you realise now it has to show?
exactly the same, easier for them to see
the choice is gone, and stress remains
dress too tight, you're raped and maimed
sink into what they gave you
pray the future isn't for too long
tinted cream don't cover acne
if this is the worst it gets, you're fucking lucky to be gone
never want to die
never wanna leave
never wanna say what it did to me
you are a flower, delicate and whole
you are weak for giving into control
and when something settles here is new
my intentions never have renewed
i'm still the same i always was
i'm not looking for a great repentance
or forgiveness for a sin
i don't wanna be a nail on a cross
or a present you win
the meaning of my words are thin
but the gist is right and has always been
my trepidations have no cure
my intentions never have been pure
and i'm not looking for the right solution
or permission to live
i'm just a creature born of habit and nature
and subject to Him
i can tell you about the things they put me through
the pain and crying overdue,
it's a shame they cannot watch
and i'm judging what's good and who is who
when i'm alone, am i tied to you?
he'll tell you that you were never here
and i'm a slave to the maggots
that crawl down our throats, reappear
and i'm not looking for a right solution
and nobody is
i'm just waiting for the next revelation
that i am not His
i own nothing that's mine
i just sit all alone
and i'm told not to cry but i'm skinned and i'm stoned
i just sit on my sofa and read books all day
and everyone seems to just laugh in my face
my company fills me with no sense of joy
i cannot relax and i will not deploy
i don't care what you're doing
i just don't care who you screw
and the old man you fucked is not into you
i come to your side
i come into your home
so i can rectify my own broken bones
you only sighed, said you wish someone had thought of you
i swim through my own filth
i'm to my ears in resentment
i've waited for years to be wrapped in a cerement
you welcome me in, i'm a man who is riven
i'm trailing behind, i cannot walk, i am limping
you come to my side
you come into my home
you wanted to lie, but still no one's ever enough for you
too busy looking at the man up above
you ignore all the people who are pushing their luck
and i'm not the type of person you wanna trust
i've been fucking this up
and i keep my head down, cosplaying a ghost
and i don't wanna die but don't feel like i'm living
i'd give up my life to not feel what i'm feeling
the boys and the girls and mothers and women
they all pull their weight, all have trust in the system
all deal with their hate like they are its victim
you chew up your food, spit out the sinew
if everything's sacred, then nothing is renewed
i'm not the man you can trust with emotion
i let it all out, all out in the open
you do many things that cross over my line
my lines been perforated, nothing is mine
how can we pity the dead
we have no pity for the living
to love is to want to be absorbed entirely by somebody
i like to walk around by myself, lost in thought
all kinds of sins are sins against ourselves
i am a wound and a blade
you no longer exist
solitude by choice or despair?
imprisoned by devotion
this is a place for breeding
and tight speculation
concrete isolation
choose life
trust yourself
hurt yourself
screaming like theres no way out
sudden harm is what i look for
there's something between me and the world outside
prisoner of the Holy Agony
to be without desire
or resentment
or revolt.
to wander, and to sleep
to believe is to suffer
escape this junkyard of idiotic trivialities
death of the heart
choose life
trust yourself
don't be yourself
breed out the conscience
all is for vanity
hard workers in the docks
paid their wage without their dignity
conclusion no directions
judge yourself through reason
the dichotomy is why we starve
the purity is what we think
my gun is bent in a curve
my veins are thinning out
i want more than ive ever had
Kate would cry
homoerotic art better than your sex
attracted to the opposite of life
havent showered in days
pretty selfish, pretty face
regrets challenge your faith
im a sensationalist
we’re ants trapped in a colony
condoning repressive policy
an emotional strip tease and
strip me of my feeling
any contentment felt like surveillance
everything is wire tapped —
they’re watching you eat
clips of your mother loop on screen
give her your attention please
you cannot think for yourself
your identity is being occupied
you follow your dog on a lead
i refuse to take what i’m given
i'm a faking liar / hypocritical sympathiser
living out my days in the wake / of exiled predecessors
you come to some vague revelation
they're laying eggs in your head
a vacant loss of toleration
you're slowly getting it
a married man fucks another man
couldn’t tell the difference
between the man and his own wife
they both tried to please him
wash in a bath of bleach
try to disguise
you’re trembling at the knees
broken, whipped, and romanticised
pride makes me do things, i never recover
endless need for something to feel
i hurt myself, think it helps
tell me it works, say you’re jealous of me
take up less space
still live in your head
your hatred makes me believe
they all want me dead
I’m scared of what you think
its all made up
impulsive tendencies fed with regret
compassion tears me up
i’ve reached my capabilities
theres nothing more left
imbalanced priorities, beat me to death
i overcompensate, don't know how to act
i lack independence, crave what i can’t have
want to bleed out
bis mein Körper leer ist
isolate to regain control
it es zu hohl?
the androgyny keeps me going
I’m fundamentally appalled
by my own loathing and suffering
i put myself up for sale
my bones on black market for more than i earn
pornographic images turn me on
alle sind lügner, perverse and scorn.
Mam forgets I’m upstairs
I go days not seeing the sky.
the need for sweet release,
takes form of lonely suicide.
need some Alka-Seltzer
my head is concave
I'm drinking for fun
see the smile on my face
dignity found only in self-abuse
shame shown to please you
never felt it in my life
disobedience accumulates, failure pushes me off the edge
hard on myself, can’t stand anyone else
my feelings are temporary
lose sight of their meaning
hurt becomes my self-identity
pain justifies its healing
applause for the suffering, applaud the survivors
applaud those who surrender
bloodshed Warsaw, Napalm girl,
valley of the shadow of death, Tiananmen square
burning flags, burning pain and repair
too reliant on publicity, who shall take our blame?
we have not progressed, just blindly fed images of success
nothing passes the initial grace
demand nothing more than we had before
wag the dog, I’m easy to please
no need to keep it going, the attention just depletes
your hurt is a pity-cry
join political tension for moral abundancy then move along
everywhere you look are victims of endorsed identity
i channel my pain through masturbation
nothing ever turns out how i want it
every lie you tell fuelled by cynicism
blame the news and sensationalism
my sleep is only for survival, I’m being conditioned
weakness is a detriment and empathy’s inefficient
life’s a through-line to death, i wanna reach it
i self-isolate to feel important
there’s no one else in my world, my thoughts stay dormant
we all talk to ourselves, no one’s listening to each other
no point marketing to a comatose era
more drugs, more reasons to leave town,
more filth, more hurt, more self-destruction
i'm very much alive, i've nothing to live for
i'm a parasite, i face dereliction
"you're gonna live forever", that's not what i want
to live in an immortalised slump
nothing to talk about 'cept the weather
no thoughts coming through, nothing to remember
there is no gain, there is no reason
say "better yet", we’re better gone than leaving
i got no choice on who i am
spent my time wasted with no repent
I’m reliable and you’re hellbent
give me wrong advice, you’re innocent
modern life is any other
used for fun, rot in squalor
gib mir alles was du willst
alles, was du gewesen bist
nothing you can do to please me
I’m selfish and sad, les misérable
gib mir was du bist
auch wenn es nichts ist
no room to breathe
breath sickens me, had to leave
left unnoticed, patience misleads,
bathing in self-loathing, I must concede
more drugs, more reasons to leave town
more filth, more hurt, more self-destruction
I’m very much alive
I’ve nothing to live for
I’m a parasite, I face dereliction
a corner house on a new estate
a fucking luxury with these council rates
brother’s gone AWOL, Mam kicked the bucket
no time to breathe, just fucking suck it
were never really together before
nothing I can take that doesn’t harm me more
told you’re gonna live forever, that’s not what I want
to live in an immortalised slump
no thoughts coming through
I’m very much alive
I’ve nothing to live for
my urgency’s died, I’m running myself raw
when all we have to talk about is weather
my ideals are criminalised
there is no gain
can say "better yet"—when's that gonna come
I got no choice about who I am
your hurt is a pity-cry
join political tension for moral abundancy
then move along quickly
everywhere you look
victims of endorsed identity
channel my pain through masturbation
nothing ever turns out how you want it
every lie you tell fuelled by cynicism
blame the news and sensationalised protests
my sleep is only for survival
I’m being conditioned
weakness is a detriment and
empathy’s inefficient
life’s a through-line to death, wanna reach it
self-isolate to feel important
there’s no one else in my world
my thoughts stay dormant
we all talk to ourselves, no one’s listening to each other
what’s the point of marketing to a comatose era
I want shit I can’t have
my pride stops me indulging
say ‘hi Mam and Dad
I wanna lose everything’
everyone stays guilty
you pretend you don’t care
you’re a lying, faking, pussy
a victim of the victim mentality
suppress what’s not working for you
third world kids in the first world
I’m sorry you can’t see
the wealth of the others and the general disparity
always gorging their needs
empathy disgusts me
kill your parents, follow God.
to feel alive you overcompensate and splurge
every man is telling a lie
never quit sulking,
sleep in a doorway and die
then get killed for having nothing
everyone is guilty
pretend you don’t care
you’re a lying, faking, pussy
victim of the victim mentality
good fucking news,
they’re trying to kill me
too scared of living your life
willing to waste it being perfect
Frieden und Liebe
Frieden und Liebe
I don’t have a purpose
and I don’t feel safe
gimme gimme meaning
gimme some fucking grace
the need for belonging takes over -
corporeal, prolonging.
haggling with yourself and giving into ideals
freedom is not your right, rich cunts failing us
Frieden und Liebe
Frieden und Liebe
Liebe
Liebe
material dreams consume
the mainstream - believe it
I don’t want freedom,
you can keep it
lügen und Liebe
Liebe, Liebe
baby tell me tell me I’m useless
claiming you’re endless, gracious,
you know life is wasted.
using innocence against us,
pretty stupid pretty faceless
I need to be used by you
that’s what I’m made for.
try and call me, mother, martyr
come and throw me money, La Traviata
purity is used like a weapon
waiting for you to ruin her
bargains on sale
bargain with futility
the fight for sexual liberty
broken down by polka-dot fragility,
used by men - betray my sanity.
my legacy’s down to a fleeting memory
nothing can reach me
I am the worthless animal you force-feed.
an addict to the faux-mentality:
“it’ll be worth it in the end,
I’ll have money, immortality”
my mind is gone
I dunno myself at all,
there’s no cure for dependency
sweet sweet pretty worthless girl
life feels more demonic,
love, we’ve surely lost it
falling further down the road to nowhere
I’ve got a tight grasp on reality
for someone always up in the air
counterfeit pretension to aid societal despair
my head doesn’t feel empty
I have no belief in myself,
no one should be proud of
the patronising horror of anti-subservience
really I can only hate myself
no one has done anything wrong
I feel things that have no word
I can’t tell you, and I don’t want to
you’re repulsed by everything we do
feel the shame you never wanted to
i want to stare at you until you cry
cry and scream, anthropophagi
rich and burdened, half a life
life’s a gift, eye for eye.
Brady, Kyte, Kappen, more for me.
miners crushed in Thatcher’s peace,
and still they say “there’s nothing wrong with me.”
you can say “free the slave” in a “free country,”
tell me what that’s meant to mean.
there has to be something else
said ‘more and more, more things help’
headlines fucking scream
just keep on keep on
keep it clean.
they ain’t concerned with you or me.
you drink to sleep or ‘drinks on me’
want a perfect life, perfect ain’t alright
don’t want the future, seen your lies.
hang flags in towns where moral parasites
all join and unionise.
says “fuck this country, God save the Queen”
I’ll say “free the slave”, not “free country”.
hasn’t meant very much to me.